Truthfully I wrote this 3/4 days ago in a notebook, not long after my 28th birthday but I’ve decided to take the blogging plunge in the hope that it will help me. So here goes…
My birthday was a breaking point for me. I think once I realised and started to look back I’d probably been struggling since Jan 2015 but for whatever reason you don’t want admit these things or you tell yourself its temporary and I was doing just that.
Towards the end of Dec 2015 I had an awful break up, the kind that just goes from bad to worse so when January struck I was not handling things well at all. It felt like I was starting the new year on a bad foot and I was letting my previous relationship get the better of me. I did try, I tried counselling, hypnotherapy and it wasn’t working I wasn’t moving on and not letting go of things can ignite some pretty bad habits and even worse emotions. I’d never had this reaction to a relationship before so it made it all the more confusing and I wanted to stop but I couldn’t which started to make me dislike myself.
You would think by the 6 month mark this would be over but it wasn’t and at this point I also lost my job, the company I worked for was closing the offices in my city. I was devastated not only was it my income but it was also a distraction. I was unemployed for a few months before I found work again so this further damaged an already low self-esteem, my confidence got worse, I’d get panic attacks before interviews, I stopped going out because I had no money and I was embarrassed about being out of work and this overlapped into my personal life I’d struggle to talk to people and even my relationships with my family and friends became very strained. I’d shut myself down but I would tell myself it was everyone else, it was them leaving me or them not trying but really it was me.
Eventually I found work and moved into a house share with some friends this was good but eventually turned bad. We were young people all struggling in various ways and living together encouraged bad behaviour; drugs, alcohol, one night stands. If you’re already unstable these things will only make you worse, I just felt worse and worse about myself and I know my flat mates were not great either! I started to feel paranoid ‘do they want me here’? ‘do they like me?’ and so on. We left the house in August this year not on bad terms it was all mutually agreed and we keep in touch.
After that I moved back home to my mum and dads. I know I’m lucky to have a place to go but I didn’t see it like that. I was 27 living at home in the same room I’d slept in when I was 7, I hadn’t done the things I wanted as I had no confidence, my job (which I really don’t like but it pays) is at risk again with the company currently in massive debt and on its 3rd round of redundancies. I was not happy. My behaviour worsened, darker thoughts, selfish, mean to those closest, pushing people away and as a result I ended up spending my 28th birthday day alone in my room, crying.
Grim, right? And when you’re low like that it’s so easy to blame other people for letting you down or leading you astray but it really does come down to you. I cried and cried and cried that night, I was angry and upset and finally felt like I was at rock bottom and it was then that I just thought ‘who am I’ I didn’t recognise myself and I really didn’t like myself and for the first time in a long time I was telling myself it was my fault and I wanted to change.
I read somewhere
There’s a difference between wanting to kill yourself and wanting to kill the part of you that wants you to kill yourself.
I’m not sure of the author I’ve tried to find out but I’ve found different results in my searches, either way I like it. It’s extreme but true, in all my darkest moments I never really wanted to die, I wanted to live but to live better than I had been and that became my motivation.
I admit I’ve made mistakes and I’ve made things worse but that doesn’t make me a bad person which I thought I was for a long time.
So I’ve decided to start a club for myself, The Good Club. Where I will work hard to make positive changes and try to improve my life and myself. This blog will allow me to highlight my ups and downs, what’s worked and what hasn’t and I’m excited to start.
I’m going to use the last few days of 2017 to set myself some rules and come to terms with letting go of all the things I’ve held on to before starting afresh in 2018 with positivity and goodness. I’m hoping if anything this will be a good form of therapy.
I don’t know if anyone will read this but if they do, I’d love to know if people have experienced similar lows, if people out there who are writing about similar things or if you have a blog that you think might help? I’m new to this so I’m just going to see how it goes and want to find out more about what’s out there!
I know this was long but I wanted to give some detail as to why I was doing this